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5-7-2006
Springtime has arrived. For a couple of months, I have been feeling the memories of other springtimes and I thought that something unusual was about to happen. It didn't, unless the results have not yet been seen.
I've been pursuing the muse as if she were a real person. That might have come to an end. Here are some things I have written on the subject of the pursuit. I see that I may be working on a new work because of all of the Belravaen poems.
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Worlds Away
Feeling the approach of spring this year, I couldn't help but notice that this year is very different from recent years. I have recognized elements of feeling-tones from many previous springtimes and have welcomed their presence as I would greet old friends.
Worlds away, but as near as thoughts that I had had in days that were almost lost; now they hover around my mind, hinting and reminding me of selves that I was in other seasons of my self.
These selves remind me of the obligation that I have, the promise that I made; that I would find meaning in this life and I now know that I must accomodate these other me's.
The sheer power of my past selves aching for meaning and expression awakens parts of Self that have been slumbering for years ~ do I dare allow this to happen?
Crossroads everywhere are starting to appear as the mist slowly fades - and I thought I was traveling a straight road into age and death. Can I keep to the straight path or will I be lost turning off onto one of the intriguing paths that leads away into the beckoning landscapes that are evident now?
I'm sorry friends, but it is all about me today. And me, and ME, and ~me~, and #me#, and *me*, and you name it what you like but you have your own roads to travel as well and we meet here in this place to exchange tales and to share tips and will we ever really know each other when we are still lightyears away from ever knowing the selves that we are, let alone the selves that we plan to become?
The Wizard in the still-living past demands knowledge from me-the-future and I draw power from the sentient universe we call ATI as I try to steer him towards those areas of reality that will help him best.
Feeling tones, the spiral of seasons, lost worlds found again, promises written in the Self, Selves beyond number, networks of roads that lead to uncountable worlds beyond imagination, the Worlds of You, and the suppressed emotions of all of my past selves - believe it or not, I keep it all straight but am a bit pressed for time... Time... TIME...
Say it matters to you, say that you love me even though you barely know me, say that you will stand beside me through cycles of lifetimes as we explore the limitless freaking universe that we have created, say that you will always be there when I want to share new experiences - worlds away (worlds I explore when you allow) and still close enough to feel your presence always...
As I always knew it would be - April 14, 2006
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Re-inventing Me
Tonight I dream in a place that is close to Belravaen
Close, not in terms of miles, but in terms of significance
The self that I am has a fondness for this place
And tonight I am here to think of how I know you
I would not know how to begin to describe to you
The literally infinite realm that I explore in my Self
The dream world contains all that I am, and more
All that I can become exists here as well
I have said a few things and hinted at more
For some reason, I don’t think you see it right
Seen in terms of what you know, what else could it be?
Yet, nobody knows me, and that is the problem
Some of us seem to lead small unimportant lives
But, in the much more important dream world
From which our physical existence springs
We are teachers, explorers, and artists, painting in Self
Right now I am listening to music that is part of me
On the day that you were born in this world
I was listening to this music in my own wild past
It, and you, are beloved parts of my experience
From the scary, temporary, Temple of Syrinx
I greet you as the Wizard that I was then
What an idealistic, foolish, urgently demanding fool
I had it all on the right track but didn’t know it!
If I could change the mistakes that I made after that
I would never have met you in this world
And so, it has all been worth it, as you can see
Having found treasures, I need to get back on the path
What treasures and what path and which me?
I speak of fools but I am now the greatest of fools
I betrayed my own Self and was not loyal to Self
Indeed, what greater stupidity is there?
The wizard looked to the future, hoping for wisdom
He found me, and his energy of bright life
Pulled me out of the dark place in which I lived
Tangled in the details and regrets of my failed life
I look to that past Self and feel love and awe
Naive he was but also honest, bold, and lovable
I honor the promise we made in the still living past
We have merged and become one, as it should be
You look at me and you think you know me
Why not, is that not the way that things are done?
Oh no, there is more to life than meets even your eyes
How can I blame you for thinking that you see me?
I am the explorer of worlds that nobody remembers
I shift and change my Self according to my whims
I stand in opened doors that you may have forgotten
When you woke up and dressed yourself in today’s You
I possess powers that no god has and so do you
We came here for a reason and forgot all of that
Tell me, would it ruin everything we are working on
If we remembered the reality behind the game we play here?
Lately I have been dreaming in the comforting places
That my family shares with me in the infinite realm
I feel the peace and love and I rest here, saving energy
I know where I come from and my clan supports me
I am energized and renewed, in touch with my roots
And I begin to look outward for new challenges
Of all of the friends that I have known in my lives
Who will be there to share this grand new adventure?
There’s more to this than meets the eye
There’s more to this than reaches the mind
There’s more to this than touches the body
Who knows, and who will share the real world with me?
4-29-2006
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World's Away, Still
The process of darkness falling - Twilight
A thing of substance, not just lack
More than the absence of revealing light
As the daylit world withdraws from sight
Tonight I sit alone on the edge of the field
Feeling the world soften and grow still
Aspects of the world emerge, revealed
Sights and sounds daylight had concealed
I soak it in quietly as I see the Sungod's influence fade away into the West. The clear darklight realm ruled by Night is on its way but will take a while to materialize. In between, I experience that fleeting halfworld we call Twilight. A curious phase with soft edges; when does it start and when does it end?
From where I sit, I can hear traffic moving on the interstate, the movement of people. With a sad thought, I wonder where they are going; what distant destination they are traveling towards. That sadness pervades my being as I wait for the Twilight Fairy to show up.
She travels in the spaces between places
Hardly ever seen by mortal eyes
She walks unseen by mundane races
Her feet upon the ground leave no traces
Gray she appears in this world of ours
Because here, the colors do not translate
In her home world, she has powers
She outshines rainbows and the flowers
I sense the presence of others who wait like I do. Somewhere, another being looks upon the crescent moon setting behind the sun. Her work is done and she sits behind the barn, becoming a part of the sunset as I do. A train sounds its horn mournfully to add feeling to the scene. Does she wait for the Twilight Fairy as well? I feel that she waits without knowing what she is waiting for but her need is no less than mine.
Does she feel, as I do, the presence of another, who sits on the pier watching the sun disappear into the ocean? Orange tinted waves break softly upon the beach and the birds cry out greetings to the opened portal in the West as it awaits any who can reach it. But my friend, so far away, doesn't know how to enter it though he yearns to do so with all of his heart. The sounds of the nearby port are magnified in the magical air of the twilight and he wonders why he has to encounter another tomorrow in this world.
I have met them many times in my dreams
We have explored worlds more interesting
Together we've walked alongside living streams
In which we saw, reflected, shimmering moonbeams
I know that in beloved Belravaen, we'll meet
In the place where dreams are made real
There near a house that sits by the Low Street
Round a fire by the woods, we'll rest our feet
All roads now lead to Belravaen, and the Queen of the Twilight Gate will someday appear to greet me and lead me to the opened door between the worlds. I could choose to follow her to her own realm of Faery; normally I would not be able to resist.
But I can not be sure that you exist in that place. You obviously have aspects that are not quite human but I'll take no chances this time. Only in the place I think towards can I be sure that we will meet for certain.
Paths to Halfworlds found in the halflight
When will the guardian of the gate arrive?
I've halfway become your shining knight
When we meet again will the sky ignite?
Don't be shocked by the schemes that I concoct
I'm finally on the right road to find you
Many other times, in other worlds I've been blocked
Now, I won't be mocked; the doors will be unlocked
Will the Lady of the Dusk reveal the shimmering gate?
I've become half-crocked, in the halflight, while I wait
Fear, loneliness, weariness, and the bitter self-hate
Have left me and I'm free of the dragging weight
With a wink and a half-smile, Best wishes,
5-6-2006
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